The shorter story, no love, no glory.

I'm riding high on the last time you sent your words in my direction and I'm letting confusion get the best of me.
I'm going to quote a friend here; "Kate... You're the girl who wants nothing but everything." Yeah, it's paradoxical, but I guess we all are. And as much as I hate to admit it, she's right. Example; right now, I'm waiting on the only boy who's ever made me feel remotely close to this way before,... and, wait, let me interrupt myself. There are two things dramatically wrong with that sentence, one being that I just said that I was waiting for a boy, and the second is that I just admitted feeling something more than... sexual attraction for someone. Which, I'm sorry, but I just don't allow that, life is easier to get through if you don't let yourself become attached or even accustomed to any one person.
If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's the people who claim to love you who leave first.

What about the way I have to restrain myself from saying "I love you" when he says goodbye? Because I'm a fool and I'm naive and jaded all at once, but I know that I've never been in love and I know that even I don't love him. So what is it when you want to tell them you do but don't? Madeleine suggested that it's a love spell. If only.

My mom ripped into me again last night. This time because I dared bring up something that wasn't about her sore back. She gave me a tequila shot last night and I refused it, and she called me a prude, which was annoying because at least I wasn't the one falling on their ass drunk. She was hammered when she was supposed to get me from work, and sent someone in her place. Then the tequila fight ensued.

My boss and her boyfriend very loudly, scarily, and publicly broke up in La Senza last night. I'm terrified of him as it is, re: the threesome incident (which never actually happened, more of a proposition than an accident I guess...) and his creepy text messages, and I was the only other person in the store. My boss cried, which unnerved me because she isn't a crier at all, and so I bought her a pair of pajamas and wrapped them up and wrote her a note and closed the store.

Wow. That was a long interruption. I was talking about how he's coming down to see me this weekend and how it's really upsetting me and thrilling me all at the same time. But then of course, complications always ensue. This time it's me doubting my feelings for someone else. And I swear to god if any of you say "I told you so," I may have to kick some major ass.

One more topic I have to address: My mom (again).
I'm really scared I'll end up exactly like her.

The rain falls angry on the tin roof as we lie awake in my bed.

Realizing that you aren't the only person who knows what it feels like. It makes me feel so selfish. I feel like I've been so absorbed in my own abusive household that I never lifted my goddamn head and looked around me to see others in so much pain. And so close to me too.
I'm so sorry for not seeing it sooner. I'm so, so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me and maybe we can be the way we used to.

I'm sitting in my bed crying, listening to "I'll Be" on repeat, I've just learned so many shocking things in the past fifteen minutes. I feel so sorry for everyone I've ignored because I'm so absorbed in myself and my own dramas.

Some things I don't feel guilty about at all. Like, the fact that apparently I can't trust most of my high school friends. There's maybe three out of all of them that I feel comfortable telling things to and two of them are in Australia, so, there you go. Thanks for being radios, guys, at the one time I needed you to please just be quiet and listen instead of shutting me off in your heads while you plan on exactly who you're going to tell and when you get to tell them.
Here's a hint: Don't tell the boy who tells me everything that you've told all these peoplhe my secrets. He won't keep his mouth shut, he loves me too much. Get smarter with your discrepancies.

Home's not so good but when is it ever? That's all I'm saying about that because who knows what "Radio" is reading this?

Yeah, I'm pissed.

I'm mad at me for thinking I'm the only one. I'm mad because I've lost so many things that are irreplacable and I'm not talking about the fire. I'm mad because I'm so selfish, why can't I be better? And I dream of escaping and living alone for the rest of my life somewhere, because it's just too goddamn much work to be a member of society. And then I feel like such a prick because there are people in the world who can't even imagine being in my position.

Colin's coming to see me this weekend.
Just so everyone knows, I'm not telling any of you anything. You wanna know why? Because this actually means something. This could be the biggest thing ever for me and you'll all cheapen it by gossiping some more about it.
"I wonder if she slept with him, too, because I hear she's easy like that."
"I wonder if she made him up to make herself feel better?"
"I wonder if he's hot?"

Anything, anything, to keep yourselves knee-deep in drama. And hell, if you can't find anything to talk to, go ahead and make it the fuck up.

I'm so, so hurt. I'm through with trusting people. All of them.

Interesting

Some "pick colors you feel harmonious with" quiz type deal.

Life for some time now has been somewhat depressing and you feel 'under the weather'. You are looking for a means by which you can escape from all the pressures of everyday life. But you must remember that the 'Past does not equal 'Tomorrow'. You are seeking a way to escape from all the trials and tribulations that oppress you at this time, but at least you haven't given up - if one pattern of behaviour doesn't seem to work then you'll change it for another.

You are a leader and possibly at this tine in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation.

It's the time of year that you are apt to become extremely restless and emotionally withdrawn. This is preventing you from becoming deeply involved with a person or persons within your sphere of influence. If you are willing to 'let go' and release your inhibitions you will find that a great deal of physical satisfaction will result, far more than perhaps you even believed you were capable of.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people's enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding. You have lowered your defences in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity.

Matters are not all that they would appear to be and you are critical of the existing conditions which you feel are confused and disorganised. You are therefore looking for a modus operendi which will simplify the situation so that you will be able to see the 'trees in the woods'.

I'm a goddamn fake. And a whore.

Lately I've found myself reaching for the so-called straws. I spend so much time trying to be perfect, or at least perfectly wrecked in that flawlessly controlled way. I got my nails done today even though it hurts like a bitch and is a damn inconveinience when you consider my job, soccer, school, even just typing, not to mention the upkeep and the nails themselves are expensive.
It's kind of silly, but as I spent a good hour and a half in the manicurist's chair while she sawed away at my poor nails, I got really annoyed at myself. Gel nails-- (because god forbid anyone wear acrylic, that's just cheap) with two overlays, airbrushing and french tips, about 70$. Not bad. Then, if I'm lucky these will last three or four weeks. 15$ fill-in while they grow out, twice most likely, so that's 100$ on my nails in a month. Then the pain of pulling them off, and we start all over again. And when they pull the gel off my nails? They're so shredded and ragged and torn apart that I pretty much HAVE to cover them with more fakes to make my hands look semi-presentable. It's a vicious cycle. It's the same with my hair. WHAT WE MAKE WE BREAK. Fake pretty for a bit. And it's not just about hair and nails, it's about everything. We reinvent ourselves according to how we think we should be. Flawless? Or flawlessly wrecked?
There's the neverending checklist of ways you could be better. Right now I feel as fake as the double-glossed double gel overlay attacking my nails and the mahogany color I dyed my hair a few months ago.
Time for a change.
Blonde?

I'm jealous of the headlights cause they're all that clings to you.

Oh what you want, what you need, what you should have- they're all different things. We NEVER want what keeps us sane or grounded or even just okay, we need to travel across the world to look for something we don't know we want.
Joanne left today. The last of the leaving. For now, anyways, who knows what will happen next week? I can count on one hand the people who haven't left - I mean REALLY left- and it still makes me sad. Can't stop now, tell me how does it feel?
So we run around doing things in hopes of filling whatever hole we think we have inside ourselves. Feel lonely? Become a fucking backseat debutante. Feel stupid? Don't eat, don't sleep, get yourself addicted to caffeine pills and then throw a goddamn fit when you get a ninety five instead of a hundred. Feel poor? Same as above. Forego friends, family, living. Just get what you want. Everyone's lonely, so everyone fucks around and tells themselves that everyone does it so it must be okay.
What about the ones that LOOK perfect on the outside, that have all the accessories? You know.. The expensive jeans, the gorgeous hair, the pretty face, perfect wardrobe, nice cell phone, laptop, and "tons" of friends?
They may be wearing long sleeves for a reason. Lonely comes in so many packages and the worst kind is when you think you aren't and suddenly find out just how very lonely you truly are.

If you asked me if I loved him, I'd lie.

I've decided that "love" as such isn't really... there. I think it feels different for everyone. I think that people can be in love in different levels. What about the time when you were fourteen and convinced that you were in love with your first boyfriend? Maybe that's as much "in love" as you could be.
Me? I don't think so.
I think that the way I felt for certain people was stronger than a crush. I mean, I've liked people. I've loved people, but not in an in love way. I've been debilitated and delirious over the pain I've been in over people, but I wouldn't say I've ever had my heart broken.
Boys are fools. Girls are no better.
I think we all suck.
Nobody really cares about anyone's hearts.
Or what's left of them, anyways.
Better entries later. Promise.

Haven't written in here for aaaages.

I like this blog because no one ever really knew about it.
I guess that means I can be more candid in it. Because face it, blabbing your secrets to the internet feels more secure than writing them in pen and paper- you can always claim it isn't your handwriting but someone will catch you out.
Hmm, on my mind?
-My friends are always going out, and telling me alllllll about all the incredibly fun times I missed and how I should have been there, nevermind the fact that I'm seventeen and CAN'T go out.
-I really, really don't like that guy, and I don't regret telling him what I did. But at the same time I feel incredibly guilty because he is one of my close friends, and I don't like being the cause of that much hurt in anyone, especially someone I care about so deeply- ON A PLATONIC LEVEL.
-Everyone's gone crazy. One week I had people calling, texting, constantly with me, this week? Nothing. It's like I've become a phariah- except I have no clue what I did wrong.
-He's way too old for me. He'll never like me. Sean says "oh, it's easy. No problem, he'd do you in a second." But... he stopped texting! It's not fair, and I'm confused. Make this make sense.

I'll try and make the next entry nicer but there's really no guarantee.