Don't speak a word, just keep quiet, keep still.

It's a different kind of heartbreak; but you've never had to deal with it. Everyone loves you, you're the golden girl and she's so desperate to be your friend.
You? Maybe you're desperate for the false love she emits or maybe you just latch on to someone the moment they pay you attention. Maybe I'm reading the rights all wrong. But I have to tell myself that I can't always be as wrong as you think I am.
But you'll never notice. You'll never see that you are the one who's twisting the dagger in my heart and you'll never realize that I'm crying because of you, not to you.
You'll never realize that it cut me deeper than any "fuck you" or "you were used" or "I love you" when you flippantly showed off what you had left me out of even though it was our tradition. Even though it was almost expected.
She'll love it though. She will throw it in my face and it's her one more fuck you thrown in my face. Okay.
I GIVE. YOU FUCKING WIN AND I LOSE. OKAY?
Happy yet? No, I didn't think so.
You'll read this and think that maybe it's about you but you'll brush it off, because you're perfect and can do no wrong.
Chances are you won't read this at all.
Oh well. It doesn't matter. I'll never say a word because I'm a coward.

When you're gone.

"Your university friends know who you are- but your high school friends know why."

Is it terrible that lately I've been wishing that weren't the case? A very smart person said to me that they wouldn't figure me for having the friends that I do, based on a first impression.
I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part of me really wants to know who he thinks I should or would be friends with. I wonder if he meant it in a positive or negative way. Mostly though I'm wondering why he hasn't talked to me all day and I wonder if he knows.
How many of you know?
How many times have I kept a deadly secret?

I wonder if he'd care if my wrists were gaping and torn. If I were fifty pounds heavier. If I had short hair. If I had brown eyes. If I drove a motorcycle, if I were blonde, if I were younger, if I were clingy, if I watched soap operas, if I loved chocolate. If I worked at a gas station, if I lived in a fourplex, if I hunted foxes, rode merry go rounds and watched Mary Poppins obsessively.

Would it change anydamnthing?