don't speak a word; keep quiet, keep still.

If I go to sleep now, I'll have ____ hours of sleep before the exam.
Actually, the number belonging in the blank right now is five and a half.
Not bad.
Not good.
Will I pass? Possibly.
With a fifty if I'm lucky.

If I pass or fail what difference will it make?
You still won't love me, my mom will still drink and my dad will still be unreachable; his girlfriend will still be dying, and my grandmother will still be miserable in that nursing home.
A fifty can't change the world. Maybe a ninety can but we all know I'm not a ninety kind of girl.
As long as you fly below the radar people leave you alone-- all except the ones you want to go away. And the ones you need desperately to notice? They still have an entire life surrounding their own pursuits and it doesn't matter to them whether you pass or fail.
I'm not cut out for University.
Maybe everyone's right. Maybe I should just drop out, fuck off to England and start over.