i'm here.

I am a human wreck.
Last night I got wasted out of my mind. The messy kind of wasted, not the sick kind but the smudged mascara, too loud, making mistakes type. It's only twelve and I'm sitting in the Cameron library in a misguided attempt to hide from last night's stupidity.
I remember it and just think... fuck.
Guys, I need help.
I can't keep up with school, boys, life, family, soccer. I can't even stay sober long enough to actually do something about it- someone says "Let's go for a beer", I drop ten bucks on a pitcher and I'm done.
I'm such a goddamn sucker for blue eyes. And then someone else charms me and I'm drunk and I'm theirs.
What the FUCK is wrong with me?
Honestly. I'm losing friends faster than I can count and I'm losing myself in alcohol the second something goes wrong. And something indubitably goes wrong the second I start drinking, causing me to lose more friends and me to drink more.
And the scariest part is that I don't give a flying fuck.
I was at the doctor's today and he's all freaked out about my weight and eating habits. I decided to stop fucking around with the whole "I don't eat red meat" thing and bascially cut all meat out of my diet. I'm also anemic. Hooray. He says that I'm making myself sick. I said that the rest of me was fine and after the asthma test when he told me I had wicked strong lungs I told him that I smoke two packs a week and he didn't believe me.
Then again, no one ever does.